The biggest struggle of this generation is keeping yourself clean. You’re often advised to not touch a single thing in a public area. Those who make such requests make the foolish assumption that most people have such self-restraint. You often touch things without realizing, simply for the sake of touching things. You might run your hand along a fence, or tap your fingers on your chair or desk. You’re probably touching your mouse or keyboard, writing a mean comment about how bad and poorly written this blog post is.

The main thing is that you’re all using your hands to touch. If you’re typing with your feet I will be writing you a mean comment. But since you’re touching everything with your hands, your hands also soon become the dirtiest part of your body, requiring you to constantly wash and cleanse them. Feet-supporters will tell you that washing your hands was a scheme devised by the government. This is not true, and you should avoid all people who tell you such lies. All of the scientific evidence supports hands being the dirtiest. Your feet getting sweaty under your socks does not count. Feet have two layers of protection against the real world, which is why they are so out of touch with society.

Enough about feet, because if this was a blog post about feet I’d make a “hands-free” joke right about now.

Anyway, hands must constantly be washed in order for them to stay sanitary. If you don’t wash them then the bacteria will take control of your hands and force you into an endless cycle of rubbing your hands together. It sounds easy to live with until everyone thinks you’re an evil villain plotting a very specific evil machine that involves rubbing your hands together. Since we don’t want that to happen (presumably) washing your hands is essential to your daily lifestyle.

Now you probably should have learned this when you were 2 2/7 years old but I suppose a guide would be useful.

  1. Find water (Do NOT try using your own saliva, it just ain’t worth it bro.)

2. Find soap (Again, Do NOT try using your own saliva.)

3. Rub the soap on the water with your hands for approximately 27495 milliseconds (If you get the timing wrong you have to start over, so be careful.)

4. Find a towel

5. Find another towel

6. Rub the two towels together to generate heat

7. The heat on the towels will make the water on your hands evaporate into the towels.

Congrats! You’ve just completed all of the required steps to become part of the clean hands club.

Another thing we need to talk about is hand sanitizer. Hand sanitizer is basically a cheat code for washing your hands. It’s a quick and dirty method of making your hands clean if you’re out of soap and water. It doesn’t work as well as soap and water, but it’s more accessible since sinks, soap, and water are, unfortunately, not everywhere. You can keep little bottles of hand sanitizer in your pocket if you want. There are also hand sanitizer sprayers that can be used for self-defense, and cleanliness! Something that bothers me about hand sanitizer is that it’s exclusively only for my hands. I know this is a blog post about hands but feet need love too.

Since I need to get a head start on writing about feet, I’ll have to end this blog post about hands.

Remember to dirty your hands because otherwise there would be no reason for you to clean them, which would be bad for the farmers who grow the water you eat.

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